From the pages of TWISTED MADNESS comes SAFE SEX.
SAFE SEX
By Ron Chapman
When it comes to safe sex, there is nothing safer than to not do it at all and let me tell you why.
A boy by the name of Jimmy takes his father’s old beat up pickup truck into town with his dog, Casper, a German shepherd sitting in the passenger seat. Casper looks out his window with his tongue hanging out. Jimmy looks over at Casper and gives him a few strokes on his head.
It’s so quiet, no birds chirping or radio, just Jimmy his dog and the sound of his father’s pickup truck rolling down a country road. Jimmy drives by an occasional off to the side of the road, abandoned and left for looters.
As Jimmy gets closer to town, He begins to hear the town’s church bell. Casper’s ears perk up. The sound of the church bell rings throughout the country side.
“Who the fuck? They’re going to attract the walkers.” Jimmy tells himself. Jimmy steps on the gas and speeds towards the church. As the truck races down the road, a few walkers step out of the woods and walk towards where the sound of the bell is coming from. Casper barks hysterically at the walkers as they speed by them.
Jimmy speeds through the town, right to the church. The town’s main street is beginning to fill up with hordes of walkers of all shapes, sizes, age and degrees of decay. Jimmy takes out a few along the way with his father’s truck. Casper continues to bark at the walkers. When Jimmy reaches the church, he just about rams through the front door of the church. Before Jimmy exits the truck he grabs a small hand gun. Before going into the church, he takes a quick look around and notices hordes of walkers coming out from everywhere like cock roaches. Some of them are crawling without legs while others are limping along. Casper leaps out of the passenger window and takes after the walkers, luring them away from Jimmy. It was as if Casper knew what to do. Jimmy watches as his only friend leaps into a cluster of walkers.
Casper’s barks can be heard along with the sound of flesh being ripped away. The walkers are piling on top of Casper. The walkers moan and groan as they claw and rip at Casper. Jimmy continues to watch as Casper disappears under the pile of walkers. Jimmy can still hear Casper’s barking which turns into yelping. That is when Jimmy turns and quickly but cautiously runs into the church to quiet the church bells.
When Jimmy reaches the bells, he is met with a surprise. The priest that used to give a sermon every Sunday morning turned into a walker just like the rest of the town. Unfortunately the priest had fallen off a ledge and somehow got the ropes that were used to ring the bell every Sunday wrapped around his neck and was now moving up and down every time the bells rang. When the hanging priest sees Jimmy walk into the bell room, he starts to claw at Jimmy, trying to get at him.
Jimmy points his hand gun at the priest and fires, blowing what’s left of his brains all over the place. The sound of the gun shot rings up through the bell tower. Jimmy drops the gun and grabs his hears as he drops to his knees. “Oh shit. That was fucking stupid.”
Hours Later Jimmy has found his way to the roof top of the town’s only grocery / hardware store. From here Jimmy is able to get a good view of the whole town. Jimmy is however without his faithful companion, Casper. Jimmy is kneeling down so that he cannot be spotted by any of the walkers passing by.
The town’s main street looks like a battle zone. There are vehicles over turned and burned out. Most all of the store and area businesses have been looted. Some of them are even burned down to the ground.
Even though the town’s people are rotted and decaying, Jimmy can still make out who they are, for example, he sees deputy sheriff Mason scuffing along, aimlessly down the middle of the road. Martin the barber is seen just standing in front of his barber shop, not doing a thing. He is just looking off into space and moaning. Willie the town drunk is on his belly, eating what looks like the remains of a rat. Willie’s legs are missing. As Jimmy looks down the other end of the street he sees the biggest walker he has ever seen since they started to inhabit the earth. The walker looks to be four hundred pounds of rotting flesh. Jimmy just so happens to know this walker’s name too, Donna. She was the school’s cafeteria cook. She wasn’t as fat back then. Donna must have gorged herself on as many of the living as she could find before the living became scarce.
“You fat fuck. I never did like your cooking.” Jimmy whispers to himself.
As Jimmy continues to watch and take in the undeadly sights, he reaches down, picks up a can of chipotle BBQ style bake beans and with a hand can opener, he carefully opens them, taking great care as to not alert the walkers. Once the can is open, Jimmy wastes no time with a spoon, he pours some of the can into his mouth.
After a few mouth full’s bake beans Jimmy puts the can down and as he does, he hears Casper barking as he runs down the street full of walkers. Casper is covered in blood.
The walkers slowly turn to face the barking dog. Casper takes out a few of the walkers as he runs down Main Street.
Jimmy sits up and watches but then notices a road block coming at Casper a little ways down the street in the form of a four hundred pound walker named Donna. Jimmy knows that Casper can take care of himself but not if him and Donna meet. Donna will rip Jimmy’s best friend apart and he’s not about to let that happen.
Jimmy reaches down and picks up a homemade spud gun that he learned how to make in science class. Jimmy puts a potato into the barrel of the spud gun and takes aim at the four hundred pound walker called Donna. He fires but misses. The potato hits a walker in the head that was standing next to Donna. The potato turns to mashed potatoes with a little walker brains mixed in as it hits the nearby walker. The walker collapses into a motionless pile on the ground. Casper is getting closer to Donna with each passing second. Jimmy quickly picks up another potato and loads it into his spud gun then fires. This time the potato gets a piece of Donna, tarring off her rotting nose as it whizzes by her but it’s not enough to take the overweight walker down.
“Fuck!” Jimmy tells himself.
CASPER
Jimmy's spud gun
CASPER
CASPER
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